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A Deep Dive Into ‘Naked Attraction’, the Greatest Show on British TV
ADeep Dive Into ‘Naked Attraction’, the Greatest Show on British TV
Nudity means nothing to me now. Nipples, testicles, armpits, groins. They are all the same. Skin-coloured cells arranged in the vague ghostly shape of something formerly horny. I have seen dozens of people naked now, thousands. A hundred-thousand naked shapes. A writhing mass of sex. I have seen every ratio of penis:foreskin, from floppy right down to taut. Every shape of titty. Every configuration of hair, zero to 100.
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My sexuality lays there, smoking, in ruins. I will never be horny again. My sexuality, previously: (a large immovable boulder in the shallows of the ocean). My sexuality, now: (sand eroded to dust by the sea). I have seen a gooch piercing, man. A hoop. Through a gooch. A hoop. Through a gooch. Nudity means nothing to me now. Naked Attraction has made it so I’ll never get horny again.
Naked Attraction is a TV show on Channel (obviously) 4 (obviously). Anna Richardson hosts. If we are to analyse Naked Attraction’s place in the canon of light entertainment and dating TV, it lands somewhere weird and off-piste and alien, somewhere zigged violently to the left: somewhere halfway between a science experiment and a PSHE class, the closest analogue to Japanese TV formats we sometimes see, mangled and mistranslated and mocked, over on Western TV.
What I am saying is: sometimes, Naked Attraction is genuinely difficult to watch. What I am saying is: Naked Attraction is as much a TV show as it is a pamphlet about normal ball size handed out to teenagers during a GP appointment. What I am saying is: I do not know how a show with so many visible bell-pieces ever got made.
The format is this: a single human person enters into a cheerily-lit dungeon. In front of them: six pod-like chambers, glowing in CBBC-presenter nursery rhyme colours, the monstrous grey faint outlines of six naked humans lurking within, monsters in a tube. The single person will tell Anna Richardson they are looking for love. “Why are you looking for a date naked?” Anna Richardson will ask (*1). They normally have a reason. Anna slightly raises the screens on those chambers, revealing a buffet of dicks, vaginas, or dicks and vaginas. “There you go,” she may as well be saying. “Have a bang on that.”
It goes on like this for a while. The screen door rises two more times, each round a naked person being eliminated as they go. At the end, the six nudes are whittled down to two. The single person, fully clothed at the start of the date, slips backstage to de-robe. Then there are three naked people there. Everyone hugs in this special way so their genitals don’t touch. The single person (naked) picks from the two naked people (also naked) to go on a date with (clothed). The producers check in again between three to five weeks later to see how it’s going. I… is this getting through to you, at all? Like: you see their vagina! On TV! No censor bar!
A TREATISE ON THE HORNINESS OF ‘NAKED ATTRACTION’, THE CHANNEL 4 TV SHOW HOSTED BY ANNA RICHARDSON W/ ALL THE DICK AND VAGINA IN IT
Is Naked Attraction a horny show? No, no, terribly terribly not. It is: not a horny show. I would actually posit that the show busts through the entire gamut of the horniness spectrum, cycling down from “hmm… pretty horny” to “I am horny neutral” to “I am unhorny, I am anti-horny” in less than a second of the opening sequence.
You see so many breasts and balls, in such a short space of time, all of them presented so artlessly, like sausages behind a butcher’s sneezeguard, that you can not be horny about it at all. Nudity, normally, is quite a charged, electric, sexy little thing, but here it is diagrammatic. Essentially: I did not know nudity had a Saturation Point, before this show, an invisible moment on the scale where nudity tips from being “sexy” to “absolutely too much”, and that is Naked Attraction, that is the entire show. Naked Attraction is sexy like a computer keyboard is, or a photograph of six hummingbirds, or an electric drill without any batteries in it. It is as sexy as a cloud, or a slightly too large shoe. It is so, so, so unsexy. I did not know it was possible to look at buff girls naked and feel nothing.