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Joke 01.
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale...
...sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Joke 02
A guy at work showed me a picture of his new girlfriend and asked “Isn’t she beautiful?”
I said, “If you think *she* is pretty, you should see my wife!”
The guy says, “Why? Is she super hot?”
I said, “No, she’s an optometrist”.